Don't ask me why; this just kind of popped into my head this morning.

1. Grow your hair long. If it is not brown, dye it to that color. If it is not naturally frizzy/wavy, crimp it on a daily basis.
2. Develop obsessions with shiny things, fire, cookies and things that jingle.
3. Learn how to make certain foods, such as pierogies and spicy chicken and stars, and enjoy them. You will eat them whenever you get the chance.
4. Develop a vindictive streak. This is especially important in step five.
5. Work on your coping mechanisms. When faced with emotional trauma, you will take it one of three ways; either constantly crack jokes about it (often jokes that are in bad taste), want to know as much about it as you possibly can, or completely shut down except for crying jags and the vindictive streak mentioned in step four.
6. Have intense emotions, but make sure the louder emotions don't last for too long. You will never have a grudge against someone if you're yelling at them.
7. The words "elf-fucker" and "twatwaffle" are inherently funny and should be used whenever possible. Other nonsensical insults such as "assgoblin", "chickentits", "asshat" and "bullfuck" may be used where appropriate.
8. Brush up your Shakespeare. Also, brush up on your history, drama, Latin, Spanish and English in general. This last one is important; you will need to be the grammar nazi to end all grammar nazis.
9. Develop short, intense obsessions with certain things, then get bored of them and move on. This will not only entertain you for short periods of time, but will increase your intelligence as you will pick up a lot of trivial knowledge along the way.
10. If there is a pretty boy, you must chase him. No questions asked.